Poema 186

I am missing a step in every stair that I have in my way. It's not like falling but that scary feeling still remains for more than seconds after it happens.
I am constantly knocking myself in furnitures and walls like I can't realize the space that I have and my own body. It gets me purple blue green marks in my skin and also in my mind.
I forget little things and that makes me feel like I have Alzheimer's because I never had memory problems. Actually my power og remembering is one of a kind, I never really forget anything. Not even little things in years. It's a curse.
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How did I get so stupid? How am I not aware of my physical and mental state? How can I blame something that's not even real, something that's in my brain but I can't get it out of there?
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I refuse to blame the people that hurted me, even the ones who left me in pieces. I refuse to blame all the horrible stuff I've been through. I refuse to blame anyone else but me, because I feel like I should have control of my own mind.
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But I don't have it. I can't control it. I feel like I'm not myself anymore, because my brain tells and makes me do and say things that I know it's not the truth, it's not worth it, it's not right. I feel like a stranger, and I don't know how to get back to the real me and if the real me still exists.
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I try to tell myself that I am not my disease but my disease tells me I don't know who I am. I don't. It's truth, I don't know anymore. I don't even have strength to search or, to fight for this person that I am, that I used to be, that I'm supposed to be.